DOUGLAS DIARIES MARCH 13, 2005 PART I

HERE’S SOME GOOD NEWS…MCDONALDS IS LOOKING INTO USING REMOTE CALL CENTERS TO TAKE CUSTOMER'S ORDERS AT THE DRIVE THROUGH.

SO APPARENTLY, IT’S NOT BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU TRY TO ORDER SOMETHING FROM SAY DELL COMPUTERS AND YOU HAVE TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE IN INDIA WHO BARELY SPEAKS ANY ENGLISH (NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST INDIA OR IT’S PEOPLE). GO AHEAD AND TRY ASKING A COMPLEX COMPUTER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR ORDER BEFORE BUYING SOMETHING ON THE PHONE AND TELL ME THIS ISN’T A PROBLEM….BUT NOW YOU’LL BE ORDERING A BIG MAC MORE CAREFULLY AS WELL. " I SAID NO SPECIAL SAUCE!!! YOU KNOW, THAT ORANGE STUFF ON THE BURGER!!" THANKFULLY, MCDONALDS ISN’T PLANNING ON OUTSOURCING THESE CALL CENTERS OVERSEAS….YET

BUT IT IS POSSIBLE YOU WILL BE ORDERING A BIG MAC FROM SOMEONE IN TEXAS IF YOU ARE IN COLORADO. A SPOKESMAN FOR THE COMPANY SAYS THE CALL CENTER WILL EMPLOY PROFESSIONALS WITH “VERY STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS.” NOW, HAS ANYONE EVER TALKED TO ANYONE AT ANY CALL CENTER WITH VERY STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS? I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR EVERYONE…PEOPLE WITH STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE USUALLY IN HIGH DEMAND AT WELL PAYING JOBS…NOT AT CALL CENTERS.

THE SPOKESMAN SAYS THIS SYSTEM WILL BOOST ORDER ACCURACY AND ULTIMATELY SPEED UP THE TIME IT TAKES CUSTOMERS TO GET IN AND OUT OF THE DRIVE THROUGHS.

THERE IS NO WAY POSSIBLE IN MY MIND THAT THIS COULD SPEED UP THE DRIVE THRU. SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW ORDERING YOUR FOOD FROM SOMEONE IN A DIFFERENT STATE WILL BOOST ACCURACY. LISTEN, IF YOU WORK AT MCDONALDS AND YOU CAN’T GET ORDERS RIGHT THEN REALLY THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU IN THIS WORLD. WORK REALLY COULDN’T GET MORE SIMPLE….YET SCORES OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE NATION STILL MANAGE TO LET THIS LITTLE SKILL ELUDE THEM.
___________________________A NEW HIGH TECH DEVICE IS ON THE MARKET FOR INFANTS. YES, DIAPER CONSUMERS ARE MOVING AWAY FROM THOSE LITTLE ATTACHED DISPOSABLE POTTIES AND GOING WITH STAIN-PROOF CLOTH DIAPERS INSTEAD. AND NOW, THESE CLOTH DIAPERS WILL ACTAULLY ALLOW AIR TO FLOW THROUGH THE DIAPER TO KEEP THE FANNY OF THE TODDLER DRIER.

NOW IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE CORRECT…IF AIR IS ALLOWED TO MOVE THROUGH THE DIAPER, IT MUST TRAVEL INTO THE DIAPER AND THEN OUT AGAIN. THIS MEANS THE SMELL WILL BE CARRIED BY THIS “AIR” RIGHT OUT INTO THE OPEN….THUS…WE WILL MORE EASILY SMELL - - YOU KNOW WHAT. I DON’T LIKE THIS IDEA….WHO CARES IF KIDS GET DIAPER RASH? THAT’S WHAT POWDER IS FOR….IT’S NOT LIKE DIAPER RASH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TODDLER DEATHS ALL OVER THE WORLD. I’M SURE I HAD DIAPER RASH AND I TURNED OUT JUST FINE.

AND THAT’S NOT A HIGH TECH DIAPER EITHER…I HIGH TECH DIAPER WOULD ALERT YOU WHEN IT’S ABOUT TO BE USED SO YOU COULD GET THE KID TO A TOILET. A HIGH TECH DIAPER WOULD DISPOSE OF THE WASTE AND WIPE THE BUTT OF THE BABY. NOW THAT'S HIGH-TECH.
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FOLGERS COFFEE HAS INCREASED ITS LIST GROUND COFFEE PRICE BY 12 PERCENT DUE TO RISING BEAN PRICES ON THE FUTURES MARKET.

THIS IS INTERESTING BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW FOLGERS WAS MADE FROM REAL COFFEE BEANS. NEVERHTELESS, THOSE DISOLVING CRYSTALS, WHICH DON’T TASTE A THING LIKE COFFEE ARE NOW GOING TO COST YOU MORE.
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DOWN IN FLORIDA, SENATOR AL LAWSON’S LATEST IDEA TO HELP PAY FOR WASTEWATER TREATMENT AND HELP SMALL TOWNS AND COUNTIES UPGRADE THEIR SEWER SYSTEMS IS TO IMPOSE A TWO CENT PER ROLL TAX ON TOILET PAPER.

NOW…IF MY MATH IS CORRECT, IF TOILET PAPER IS TAXED…THEN PEOPLE WILL NATURALLY TRY TO USE LESS OF IT. THIS MAY NOT BE A GOOD THING.

REALLY CHEAP PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY GO GET LEAVES OFF THE TREE AND PRETEND THEY ARE CAMPING. THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE MANLY MEN, WILL JUST USE PAPER TOWELS…

PEOPLE IN BOULDER, COLORADO AND OTHER ENVIRONMENTALISTS MAY RESORT TO USING WASH CLOTHS THEN JUST HAVING THEM LAUNDERED.

BOTTOM LINE: PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA TO TAX TOILET PAPER.____________________________________________
BOB SCHIEFFER TOOK OVER THIS WEEK FOR DAN RATHER. RATHER, FOR ONE LAST NIGHT ON WEDNESDAY, WAS NUMBER ONE IN THE RATINGS… SCHIEFFER CALLED HIMSELF, “NOT EXACTLY A NEW FACE”

NO KIDDING BOB…I’VE SEEN PETRIFIED WOOD THAT LOOKS YOUNGER THAN YOU.

SCHIEFFER ISN’T THE REPLACEMENT FOR RATHER, BY THE WAY, HE’S JUST AN INTERIM ANCHOR.
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