DOUGLAS DIARIES MARCH 20, 2005 PART I

WELL LOOK OUT BURGLARS…THERE MAY BE A NEW DEVICE COMING TO THE MARKET SOON. SWEDISH SCIENTISTS WERE DESIGNING THIS DEVICE FOR USE ON MARS, BUT INSTEAD IT LOOKS LIKE WE WILL END UP USING IT IN THE HOME TO STOP INTRUDERS.

IT’S A LARGE BLACK BALL THAT USES INFA-RED AND RADAR TO DETECT WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS THE HOUSE.

THE BALL WILL THEN CALL FOR HELP, SOUNDS AN ALARM, AND CHASE AFTER THE INTRUDER TAKING PICTURES.

THE BALL IS CAPABLE OF TRAVELING AT 20 MPH AND CAN OPERATE OVER MUD, SNOW, AND WATER. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I WANT MINE TO BE EQUIPPED WITH PEPPER SPRAY AND A TASER TOO.

THIS WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH. ACTUALLY, I’VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER IDEA…I AM GOING TO INVITE PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE OVER TO THE HOUSE AND THEN LEAVE A NOTE ON THE DOOR SAYING, “COME ON IN…I’M OUT BACK.”

OR MAYBE I COULD TAKE IT WITH ME IN THE CAR…THEN WHEN SOMEONE ROAD RAGES ON ME, I CAN TURN IT ON AND THROW IT IN THEIR CAR WINDOW.

THOSE OF YOU DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEES, INSTEAD OF GOING DOWN TO THE OFFICE AND MOWING PEOPLE DOWN WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE, YOU COULD JUST TOSS THIS HANDY LITTLE DEVICE OVER THE CUBICLE WALL INTO YOUR COWORKERS SPACE. IF THAT'S TOO OBVIOUS, JUST HIDE IT UNDER HIS OR HER DESK WHILE THEY RUN OUT AND GO GET COFFEE.

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WELL LOOK OUT SCOTT PETERSON…APPARENTLY YOU ARE IN FOR A WHOOPIN.

A FELOW DEATH ROW INMATE SAYS PETERSON IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR KILLING HIS UNBORN CHILD.

NOW I’M NOT TRYING TO SAY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT KILLING AN INFANT ISN’T AWFUL AND GRUSOME AND DISPICABLE IN EVERY WAY. IN FACT, IT’S PROBABLY THE MOST HEINOUS CRIME THERE IS, AT LEAST IN MY MIND. BUT, IN MY OPINION, THE LAST PEOPLE THAT OUGHT TO BE CRITICISING OTHER PEOPLE’S CRIMES ARE THE PEOPLE ON DEATH ROW IN CALIFORNIA.

SINCE WHEN DOES, "WELL I ONLY KILLED A SECURITY GUARD IN AN ATTEMPTED ROBBERY."

"YOU KNOW A GUY WITH A FAMILY, KIDS, A WIFE, WHILE TRYING TO STEAL MONEY THAT DIDN’T BELONG TO ME, BUT I DIDN’T KILL MY PREGNANT WIFE. THAT’S REALLY BAD"

WELL MAYBE IT’S SOME SORT STREET JUSTICE OR KARMA? THE THOUGHT OF SCOTT PETERSON … WELL…. BEING TREATED LIKE SOMEONE ON ONE OF THOSE HBO UNDERCOVER PIMP / PROSTITUTE SHOWS MAKES EVERYONE FEEL BETTER.
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CRIME STATISTICS ARE IN FOR THE NATION AND ONCE AGAIN, AND ONCE AGAIN…DALLAS IS TOPS IN THE RANKS.

THE CRIME RATE IN DALLAS DROPPED FOUR PERCENT OVER THE LAST YEAR, BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO DALLAS. THE CITY IS STILL NUMBER ONE.

THIS IS SURPRISING TO ME SINCE THEY STRAP PEOPLE INTO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR DOWN IN TEXAS LIKE THEY WERE WAITING TO TELL SANTA WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS. MAYBE THE DEATH PENALTY ISN’T A DETERRENT?!

MURDERS ARE OCCURING AT THE RATE OF 20 PER 100,000 RESIDENTS. ALMOST AS FAST AS THE EXECUTION RATE WHICH I WOULD GUESS HAS GOT TO BE ABOUT 1,000 PER 100,000…
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AND SPEAKING OF CRIME, BANK ROBBERIES MAY BE CHANGING THIS CENTURY. NO MORE GUNS, BANK TELLERS, BAGS OF MONEY, AND GETAWAY CARS…

INSTEAD, THE TREND OF THE FUTURE IS A HIGH-TECH HEIST. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SPYWARE MAY BE THE KEY TO STEALING THE LOOT…. WHO DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING?

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THOUGH THAT YOUR AVERAGE BANK ROBBER WILL BE SMART ENOUGH TO INFILTRATE A BANK SYSTEM AND WIRE HIMSELF MONEY.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, AS LONG AS BANKS ARE OPEN, THERE WILL BE GUNS, MASKS, AND MONEY.

AT LEAST FOR US COPS, IT’S JOB SECURITY.
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TOP LAW SCHOOLS LIKE DUKE, STANFORD, UCLA, YALE AND NORTHWESTERN HAVE EACH BEEN GIVEN A MILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE ANIMAL LAW ATTORNEYS. NO, FIDO WON’T BE TRYING YOUR NEXT CASE…

INSTEAD, THE ENDOWMENTS WERE A GIFT FROM NONE OTHER THAN THE PRICE IS RIGHT’S BOB BARKER. THERE’S A SURPRISE. I’M NOT RIPPING ON CELEBRITIES, BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO CARE ABOUT THESE CAUSES WHICH MOST AMERICANS DON’T HAVE TIME FOR.

BUT IT DOES MAKE ME ILL, WHEN THEY JUST HAND OUT MILLIONS FOR SEEMINGLY RIDICULOUS THINGS. WHEN I HEAR THIS TYPE OF THING I ALWAYS THINK, "I COULD DO SO MUCH GOOD WITH THAT MONEY."

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show can be heard in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or on the web at 850koa.com.