DOUGLAS DIARIES MARCH 20, 2005 PART II

GAS PRICES JUMPED NEARLY 13 CENTS AGAIN. THIS HEADLINE IS ALMOST AS COMMON NOWADAYS AS "MARINES KILLED BY INSURGENTS IN A ROADSIDE BOMB IN IRAQ."

IN A LOT OF WAYS, THIS IS REALLY A SAD TESTIMENT TO THE WORLD TODAY. NEVERTHELESS, IF THIS DOESN’T MOTIVATE PEOPLE TO TRY TO FIND ANOTHER ENERGY SOURCE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL.

I’M FAIRLY SURE THE ANSWER IS NOT DRILLING IN ALASKA, NOR IS IT CONTINUING ON THE CURRENT COURSE WE’RE ON. BUT, THERE REALLY ISN’T ANY REASON THAT WE SHOULDN’T BE USING NATURAL GAS OR OTHER FORMS OF FUEL AS OUR MAIN ENERGY SOURCE.

AND I’M A CONSERVATIVE. LOOK, THE TIME HAS COME EVERYONE.
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KAY PLOZ-EEZ-KA IS A NURSE IN ST LOUIS. KAY FELT SO BAD SEEING HER PATIENTS SUFFER WHILE SHE WAS BLESSED WITH SUCH GOOD HEALTH, THAT SHE DONATED A KIDNEY TO ONE OF HER PATIENTS.

THAT IS ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY IN MY OPINION. THIS IS WHY POLICEMEN CAN’T BE SYMPATHETIC.

IT WOULDN’T WORK TOO WELL IF I SAID, "LISTEN MR. BANK ROBBER, I REALIZE YOU HAVE KIDS AT HOME, AND YOU PROBABLY AREN’T THAT BAD OF A GUY, SO I TELL YA WHAT:
I’LL SERVE YOUR SENTENCE FOR YOU."
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PEDIATRIC SLEEP EXPERT DR RICHARD FERBER HAS DEVELOPED METHODS TO HELP PARENTS GET THEIR BABY TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO LET THE BABY JUST CRY AND CRY. I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT HELP OUR WOMEN LISTENERS…SO AFTER YOU GIVE THE OLD “I HAVE A HEADACHE EXCUSE", YOU JUST HAVE TO LET YOUR HUSBAND WHIMPER AND WHIMPER. EVENTUALLY HE WILL FALL ASLEEP.
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FORMER CONNECTICUT GOVERNOR, JOHN ROWLAND WAS SENTENCED TO A YEAR IN PRISON AND FOUR MONTHS OF HOUSE ARREST FRIDAY FOR SELLING HIS OFFICE IN A CORRUPTION SCANDAL THAT DESTROYED HIS CAREER.

A CORRUPT POLITICAIN?? I KNOW I’M SHOCKED TOO.
WHAT’S NEXT, A SKUNK THAT SMELLS? A DOG THAT BARKS? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?
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A NEW CHEWING GUM IN JAPAN SAYS IT WILL HELP ENHANCE BREAST SIZE, SHAPE, AND TONE.

THE GUM WORKS BY SLOWLY RELEASING COMPOUNDS CONTAINED IN AN EXTRACT FROM A PLANT WHICH IS USED IN TRADITIONAL MEDICINE.

THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. I WANT ADVIL GUM, BECAUSE I HAVE A HEADACHE AFTER AN HOUR OR SO OF READING THE NEWS. HERE IN AMERICA, I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED TO SEE SOME PHONY WEIGHT LOSS DRUG PACKAGED AS A GUM. I BET THIS IS THE FIRST OF A LONG TREND OF MEDICINES, VITAMINS, MINERALS, AND OTHER THINGS PACKED INTO GUM. WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN THIS TREND BEGINNING WITH THE ADVENT OF NICOTINE GUM.

AND WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO GUM ANYWAY? GUM USED TO BE FUN. THERE WAS GUM CIGARETTES AND CIGARS, GUM CHEWING TOBACCO, GUM TAPE, GUM CHUNKS, COMIC GUM, GUM BALLS, GUM WITH LIQUID SUGAR IN THE MIDDLE. NOW THERE’S JUST THE TIN FOIL GUM.

YOU KNOW THE ONE: THE LITTLE TIN FOIL PACKAGE THAT RESEMBLES PILLS THAT YOU POP THE GUM OUT OF INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED SLOTS AFTER YOU SLIDE THE WHOLE THING OUT OF A CARDBOARD SLEEVE. AND AFTER ALL THAT, ALL YOU GET IS THIS LITTLE TINY RECTANGLE SLIVER OF GUM. THIS LITTLE PIECE OF GUM HAS SO MUCH FLAVOR, IT MAKES YOUR EYES WATER FOR THE FIRST MINUTE AND A HALF, AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, TASTES LIKE NOTHING. THEN, THIS LITTLE SLIVER OF GUM IS SO SMALL, IT'S LUCKY IF YOU DON'T LOSE IT IN BETWEEN YOUR TEETH.

I REALIZE THE OLD GUM LOST ITS FLAVOR QUICKLY AS WELL, BUT AT LEAST YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE CHEWING ON A SMALL ANIMAL FOR A FEW MINUTES.
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AND, AS IF YOU NEEDED PROOF THAT PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY ARE CRAZY: ON SCOTT PETERSON'S FIRST DAY IN PRISON, SWITCHBOARD OPERATORS AT SAN QUENTIN STATE PRISON IN CALIFORNIA FIELDED AMOST THREE DOZEN CALLS TO PETERSON FROM WOMEN ACROSS THE COUNTRY, SOME OF THEM WANTED TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO PETERSON.

NOW, EVEN IF YOU THOUGHT THAT SCOTT PETERSON PROBABLY WAS INNOCENT (THEORETICALLY, SAY HE WERE OUT OF PRISON) IS IT REALLY WORTH THE RISK TO MARRY A GUY WHO WAS ACCUSED OF KILLING HIS WIFE.

I’M SORRY, BUT SOME ACCUSATIONS SHOULD RULE A PERSON OUT OF THE ELIGIBILITY POOL FOR POTENTIAL MATES, AND MURDERING A FORMER SPOUSE IS REALLY HIGH ON THAT LIST (FOR ME AT LEAST).

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show can be heard in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or on the web at 850koa.com.