THE DOUGLAS DIARIES MARCH 27, 2005

OUT IN BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS THIS WEEK, THE U.S. HOUSE HAS APPROVED A FEDERAL HIGHWAY BILL THAT INCLUDES 37 MILLION FOR WIDENING AND EXTENDING THE STREET THAT PROVIDES MAIN ACCESS TO THE HEADQUARTERS OF WAL-MART STORES.

NOW IT’S OFFICIAL: WAL-MART IS THAT MUCH CLOSER TO TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

SINCE WHEN DOES THE GOVERNMENT PAY FOR IMPROVEMENTS FOR PRIVATE RETAILERS? I BETTER WATCH MY MOUTH OR WAL-MART WILL BUY UP THIS RADIO STATION, AND THEN I’LL BE CLEANING TOILETS FOR THE REST OF MY CAREER.
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YOUTH GAMBLING IS ON THE RISE. WE REALLY DIDN’T NEED A STUDY TO TELL US THAT. I’M SURE WE COULD ALL GUESS THAT YOUTH SEX, YOUTH DRUG USE, AND THE RATE OF TEENS CONVICTED OF VIOLENT CRIMES ARE ALL ON THE RISE AS WELL. KIDS ARE JUST DOING THINGS MUCH EARLIER AND YOUNGER THAN WHEN I WAS A KID. I REMEMBER MY FIRST KISS WASN’T UNTIL I WAS ALMOST IN HIGH SCHOOL.

NOW YOU’RE LUCKY IF IT’S ONLY YOUR FIRST KID, WHEN YOU ENTER HIGH SCHOOL.

SPEAKING OF SCHOOL, WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL WE HAD TO WALK 10 MILES UPHILL IN THE SNOW…OH NEVERMIND.
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THE JAPANESE ARE TRYING OUT A NEW TECHNOLOGY. TENS OF THOUSANDS OF JAPANESE CELL PHONE OWNERS WILL BE POURING OVER FULL LENGTH NOVELS ON THOSE TINY LITTLE SCREENS. CAN YOU IMAGINE TRYING TO DO THIS?

I SAY TO THE JAPANESE, “YOU CAN HAVE THIS TECHNOLOGY.”
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FRANCE HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO DO AWAY WITH A 35 HOUR WORK WEEK, INCREASING WORKING HOURS TO COMPENSATE FOR THE COUNTRY’S STRUGGLE WITH HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT.

MAN IF YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE SNOTTY BEFORE…WAIT UNTIL THIS TAKES EFFECT.
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AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE PAULA ABDUL HAS BEEN FINED AND PUT ON PROBATION AFTER PLEADING NO CONTEST TO A HIT AND RUN IN LOS ANGELES.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS STANDARD PRACTICE IN LOS ANGELES. I’M SURE MOST PEOPLE THERE WOULD BE SURPRISED IF YOU TOLD THEM THEY WERE REQUIRED TO STOP IF THEY RAN OVER SOMEONE OR INTO SOMETHING.
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WHITNEY HOUSTON IS BACK IN REHAB


THAT WAS IT…WHITNEY IS BACK IN REHAB…THAT’S ALL I HAVE FOR YA.
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CONDOMS AND HOME PREGANANCY KITS SOLD IN RETAIL STORES NATIONWIDE ARE BEING RECALLED BY THEIR DISTRIBUTOR THIS WEEK.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? THAT WAS THE COLLECTIVE CESSATION OF KNOCKING BED POSTS AROUND THE NATION…

YOU ONLY HAVE TO BE WORRIED IF YOU BOUGHT HARMONY BRANDS PRODUCTS…AND IF YOU DID, YOU BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
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EXPERTS ARE TRYING TO EXPLAIN MICHAEL JACKSON’S STRANGE BEHAVIOR IN COURT LATELY. THE POP STAR ON MONDAY ARRIVED AT COURT WEAK, LOOKED DISHEVELED, WAS COMPLAINING OF SEVERE BACK PAIN AND APPARENTLY NEEDED HELP WALKING.

MY GUESS IS HE WAS BABYSITTING ALL NIGHT.
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A NEW POSSIBLE REASON FOR MIGRANES HAS SURFACED. I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT “IT’S ALL ABOUT THE ‘O’” COMMERCIAL…TURNS OUT MIGRANES MAY RESULT FROM STORMY WEATHER.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED? I STILL THINK IT’S THAT COMMERCIAL.
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DINOSAUR TISSUE THAT WAS RECOVERED THIS WEEK FROM A 70 MILLION YEAR OLD TYRANNOSAURUS REX?

THAT’S ALL WE NEED IS SCIENTISTS CLONING A DINOSAUR, DON’T THINK THEY WON’T TRY IT EITHER. ACTUALLY, IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE. MICHAEL JACKSON, APPARENTLY, IS PART PTERODACTYL.
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AN ALBANY, NEW YORK WOMAN SAYS THE STATE WHO PAID HER NEARLY 83,000 A YEAR TO DO NOTHING HAS NOW SETTLED THE FEDERAL CIVIL RIGHTS LAWSUIT SHE BROUGHT AGAIST THE CITY.

PATRICIA FREUND SAYS SHE DID NOTHING BUT READ BOOKS IN A BACK ROOM AS DIRECTOR AT THE STATE LIQUOR AUTHORITY. THE LAWSUIT SAID THAT HER BOSSES TOOK AWAY HER DUTIES AFTER SHE QUESTIONED THE PRACTICE OF STATE EMPLOYEES ATTENDING GOVERNOR GEORGE PATAKI’S ANNUAL PRAYER BREAKFAST.

NOW SHE WORKS AT THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES…WHERE NONE OF THE EMPLOYEES ACTUALLY WORK

SHE SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN DOWN THERE.

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show can be heard in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.