The Douglas Diaries April 10, 2005

Sure is fun at the gas pumps isn’t it? The days of two dollars a gallon have come and gone. Now we’re all well past that. Here we are, all of us, praying for the return of the two dollar gallons.

I am not physically able to watch the numbers as they speed forward on the pump as I fill up my tank. I have to start the gas and then look away from the screen on the pump. If I sit there and watch the price climb, I first begin swearing in disbelief, then I become violent and kick things, and finally I break down and begin to sob.
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A sixth grade boy and two of his friends in West Seattle, Washington were suspended after they were accused of using phony dollar bills to buy beef jerky in their school cafeteria.

It’s nice when they start this young isn’t it? At least this assures these kids will be good criminals by the time they get older. This spotlights something I’ve come to realize: most criminals, especially those involved in financial crimes, are usually pretty intelligent and innovative.

Take this Seattle kid for instance. How old is one in the sixth grade? 11? And here he is already scanning money into the home computer and printing out fake bills; pretty resourceful.

This brings me to my point: if these criminals put their mind and their effort into legitimate business ventures they would actually do very well. They would probably end up being very rich, in a legitimate sort of way.
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John Kerry, talking to a voter group last Sunday, said that many of the voters in last year’s presidential election were denied access to the polls through trickery and intimidation.

There’s nothing worse than a poor loser. Kerry said that leaflets were handed out saying democrats vote on Wednesday and republicans vote on Tuesday.

I’m sure that these leaflets were in fact handed out, and probably have been on many election days. I’m willing to bet there are a very small number of people who actually receive one of these leaflets. I’m even further willing to bet that an infinitesimal number of people actually fall for this stunt.

This brings me to my conclusion: if you fall for this stunt, you are too stupid to vote anyway.
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Sony is planning on making the next big break through on the video game front. The PlayStation maker wants to create video games which beam sensory information directly into the brain.

This means the game could actually generate a smell or a taste, perhaps even a touch. I don’t know about you, but I am not o.k. with this.

It’s probably the current video games, like Doom, that are the reason more and more people are walking into their place of employment and mowing people down. After we employ this sensory video game, people will really be good at this.
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The government is considering lifting a ban on most silicone gel breast implants. Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter what the risks are, there will always be people willing to take the chance that they will suffer horrible disfigurement or death all in the name of vanity.

I don’t know why these fake breasts were so popular to begin with. All that having fake breasts says to me is:

1. I was born with small breasts.
2. I am shallow.
3. I am rich or am sleeping with someone who is.
4. My lover is not satisfied with me the way I am.
5. My lover gets turned on squeezing really hard lumps which no longer feel anything like breasts.
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And while we’re on the subject of breasts, a new study says that alcohol doesn’t improve breastfeeding. No, but I bet it makes it a whole lot more fun!

By the way, it’s obvious someone out there decided to test this theory out. Who in their right mind would ever think that a nursing mother who drinks alcohol would be good for a baby?
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Good looks may mean better pay, a new study says. The research cited says that a person with below average looks will earn 9 percent less than those with just average looks.

Just a little something to make ugly people feel even worse about themselves.
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Now that the whole royal wedding is over with, I can say this. All week, while watching coverage of this wedding, I kept humming the Brady Bunch Theme to myself. It’s nice to know that even the royal family is screwed up.

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show can be heard in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.