The Douglas Diaries April 17, 2005

A CBS News story this week says beware of Russain web-order brides; they're a scam. Apparently, the women will suck $3,000 to $5,000 out of their male counterparts and then disappear.

Personally, I think that’s pretty cheap. A good American wife would suck at least 50 grand out of you, and then take the house. Plus, a good American wife will never disappear…ever!

This isn’t a scam, this is a blessing.
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Harvard University is reprimanding a professor this week. That got me to wondering, what do Harvard professors get reprimanded for? Not using the salad fork? Maybe he didn’t use the word “nor” following a “neither.”
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Ephedra may be returning to a store shelf near you. A federal judge has struck down an FDA ban on the drug. The suit was brought by a Utah supplement company saying Ephedra has been safely consumed by humans for hundreds of years.

I have got to say it’s not like everything on the market is good for us. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have some Ephedra in my body then consume a tin of those cheese balls.

I have said it before, and I’d be happy to say it again: there will always be people out there willing to risk disfigurement, stroke, heart attack, and even death in the name of vanity.
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The Vatican is on the lookout for eavesdroppers. Apparently the Vatican is on the lookout for bugs, lasers, and cell phones all which could be used to spy on the secret meetings to elect a new pope.

Are there people out there who actually have a dire need to know who the next pope will be before it actually happens? What? Do they got a thousand riding on it in Vegas?

I’m sorry everyone, but this just isn’t one of those things I am losing sleep over. You know, one of those things that you just can’t eat or sleep until you know the outcome; like say who is the next American Idol is going to be. Now that’s exciting.
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Prince Harry has been told to, “Get with it” after he failed a test at the elite Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.

These people at this school must not know who it is they are dealing with. This is Prince Harry. Prince Harry can fail any test he wants to and at the end of the day, guess what? He is still a Prince. What are they going to do if he doesn’t pass? Throw him out of the school? I doubt it.

This is the problem with royalty: there really is no incentive to work toward anything. I would be sitting around ordering my hind quarters being wiped and throwing by cold scrambled eggs across the room just for effect if I was a prince.
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This next story illustrates what not to say to the media in a crisis to try to calm everyone down:

Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar, 59 took off from work Friday and said he was going for a drive. Nobody has heard from him since, and his car was found abandoned at the outskirts of Lewisburg Pennsylvannia. There has been no activity on his cell phone or credit cards.

Police are using helicopters, road patrols and police searches across all of central Pennsylvania. Now, Bellefonte Police Chief Duane Dixon had this to say to the media:

“There were no signs of foul play and that police can’t find any case that stands out that they believe would cause a problem.”

Now I know I’m a detective and all, but I don’t think it would take a lot of classroom instruction to convince all of you that there is some ‘foul play’ here.

Hopefully Ray is o.k., but I’ve got to tell all of you in complete honesty, don’t hold your breath.
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Crew members of the international space station greeted their replacements Sunday.

Someone tell me why there’s people living in the equivalent of a soda can in space? I hate to say this, but everyone has forgotten that people were even up there. The crew probably broke down in tears and hugged their replacements when they got there because they thought everyone had forgotten about them.

We don’t really care about space. Until aliens arrive, we go to a new planet, or we make moon trips available to everyone, nobody is going to care about what happens in space. Sad but true.
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Hoover Company has done it this time. I guess the search for the ultimate vacuum has come to an end. Apparently, Hoover has made a new vacuum cleaner that sucks so hard when you use it that the device’s handle actually catches on fire.

The company is recalling 636,000 of the machines, actually it’s not due to excess suction, but a defective on/off switch. I guess the search goes on.
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Straight out of the movies is a story from Jacksonville, Florida. Janet Grammer, a great-great-grandmother was working behind the register at a local convenience store, just filling in for the normal employee. All of the sudden, in walks a man waving a gun firing shots at the back wall of the store demanding money.

So Grandma did what any of us would do, she whipped out a pistol from under the cash register and shot the man in the chest. The man ran out of the store as granny continued to fire at him.

Of course, he shows up later at the local hospital with a story about how he shot himself, but naturally, that didn’t wash.
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Brian Nichols was back in court on Friday. In case you forgot Brian is the lovely young man who was in court on March 11, when he took a deputy’s gun away from her, and then went into a courtroom and killed a judge and then another deputy as he fled from the courthouse.

Nichols was wearing shackles around his ankles but not around the wrists. If I was in charge out there in Atlanta, I would have wheeled Nichols in on a dolly looking like Hannibal Lecter, complete with the face mask. What’s wrong with them out there? Didn’t they learn their lesson the first time?
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While we’re talking about violence, a 15 year old girl and her ex-girlfriend pleaded guilty Thursday to stabbing her grandparents to death last summer so the young girls could be together.

What ever happened to eloping?
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stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show can be heard in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.