The Douglas Diaries, April 24, 2005

I can imagine nothing worse than the following:

You’re on trial for a plethora of felony counts. As you sit there, in the defendant’s chair, with the bill for your million dollar lawyers climbing faster than a gas pump’s dollar price screen, in walks your ex-wife to testify against you at your trial.

That’s exactly what the king of pop is going to see before the prosecution wraps up their child molestation case against Michael Jackson. Debbie Rowe, the mother of his two eldest children will tell all of their dirty little secrets. Rowe is on record saying that Jackson should not be around children.

I don’t know about you, but I feel another trip to the hospital in store for Michael Jackson this week.
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A Florida skydiver is dead following a freak accident in Deland. Cinematographer Albert “Gus” Wing III had already opened his parachute when he hit the plane that he had jumped from, severing his legs at the knees.

14 other jumpers were in the air when the accident occurred. Mike Johnston, general manager of Skydive Deland said the accident was not common.

I’m wondering how this happened? We don’t really know enough details here. If it was a free fall jump, then the guy had been falling a while, and one would have to wonder why a pilot would do a u-turn, drop altitude and fly back through all of the jumpers. If it was one of those jumps where the chute is on a chord and opens as soon as you jump, then one would have to hit the rear stabilizer wing which is usually higher than the door, and this sounds almost entirely unlikely.

I’m using my newfound detective skills here now, and I detect a lawsuit coming for this pilot.
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Television buffs are invited to tune out for the 11th annual “TV Turnoff Week” which begins Monday, April 25th through May 1st.

Raw numbers used to look at projected participation says the project “needs a little encouragement.” People would be lost without their TVs. I’m not sure we could function. We would turn them off, then we would never turn them back on because without TV, we wouldn’t know when to turn it back on, we would just sit there on the couch wondering who pulled the rug out from underneath us.

If they told us the date beforehand, I’m not sure we could remember. I, of course, would like to see this because it would be good for radio. So, I say to everyone, “Turn off your TVs and turn on your radios!” If anyone needs me, I’ll be at home; I’ve Tevo’d the whole season of The Shield. Try not to bother me.
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Remember the old contraception device The Today Sponge? You know: the one that was pulled from the shelf a decade ago? Well it’s slated to make a comeback. The Sponge could be back on shelves soon if it receives regulatory approval.

Why would we bring this back? Isn’t this what the Flintstone’s used Are we going to bring back 8-tracks too? Why would anyone woman use a sponge when all you need to do is get a shot, put on a patch, or take a pill?

The sponge doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted diseases, so it’s not a good alternative to a condom. What is the real benefit of this thing? I just can’t help but think that this was some late night pyramid scheme infomercial.

I can hear that Dupree guy telling everyone, “You could be a millionaire, and all you have to do is place tiny little ads in newspapers around the country for Today’s Sponge.
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Scientists have begun putting human genes into food crops. The experiments, coined “Frankenstein Foods” by opponents is driving a new controversy to soaring heights.

Environmentalists say that no one will want to eat the partially human-derived food because it will smack of cannibalism, no pun intended, well o.k. it was intended.

In the first modification of its kind, Japanese researchers have inserted a gene from the human liver into rice to enable it to digest pesticides and other industrial chemicals.

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my rice to have a liver. I’m not o.k. with this. There’s a much simpler solution to this problem: stop using industrial chemicals.

I’m not a vegetarian, and I don’t mind eating meat. In fact, I eat quite a bit of it. I don’t particularly want to go out and slaughter my own cows and then cut them up, but when Applebees sets a steak down in front of me I usually gobble it right up. Now, cows have livers and other organs, and I can still eat meat without a problem. So why don’t I want my corn to have kidneys? It’s simple, that’s not the way God intended it.

I usually don’t speak for God, but in this situation, I don’t think he is going to be too upset with me. If God would have wanted rice, corn, or beats, to digest stuff, he would have given them organs and/or made them animals.
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Honda is working on a car that will be “softer” so that if a pedestrian is hit, he or she will be more likely to survive the impact. Honda says that you want as soft a surface as possible when you’re hitting your head into anything. All of their engineers must have graduated from M.I.T. I thought after I read that, Honda was just going to attach a pillow to the hood, but it turns out that’s not the case.

Honda says that along with softer bumpers, one of their new designs would allow more empty space under the hood, and that this design could reduce the 4,600 deaths annually.

Now I realize I’m not an engineer, but if my car is softer and I hit a pedestrian, then he or she lives, I’m going to be thankful. However, when I’m driving along and I get t-boned by a 40,000 pound SUV and my new little “soft” car crumples up like one of those cone shaped Dixie cups that you get at a cheap water cooler (you know the cup: the one where you get like half a sip per cup because whoever bought the water really doesn’t want you to have any) I’m not going to be so thrilled. Not to mention, when your new little soft car crumples like that, we’ll see how many more drivers are hurt. I bet the total number of injuries and deaths overall will actually go up because most accidents are not auto vs. pedestrian accidents, most of them are auto vs. auto.
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Police in San Jose, California say a woman lied about finding a human finger in a bowl of chili last month at a Wendy’s restaurant. Anna Ayala, 39, was actually arrested in her home in Las Vegas, Nevada on a charge of grand theft in connection with the episode.

Police won’t say if they know where the finger came from. Of course management at the store called the ordeal a nightmare because business plummeted after the ordeal. The franchise owner, Joseph Desmond, pleaded with everyone, “Please come back to Wendy’s!” I hate to tell Joseph this, but even now that this whole thing is disproved, it’s very difficult for people to return to the restaurant because in the back of everyone’s mind while they are eating your food, a little tiny piece of them will be wondering if it could happen.

It’s about time we started arresting people who make false reports. Believe me, it happens all the time, and usually nothing is done about it.
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In animal news, Charley the chimp’s home is at a South African zoo. Old Charley one day had a pack of cigarettes thrown to him by a visitor, and he has learned how to smoke now by mimicking humans.

Now visitors continue to give him cigarettes so that they can watch him smoke. Zoo keepers say that Charley is addicted to the nicotine and will even hide his cigarettes when handlers walk by. Zoo keepers are pleading with visitors not to give the chimp any more cigarettes.

My prediction: this will start a world wide sleuth of people trying to get monkeys and then other animals at the zoo to smoke. Here in America, we won’t stop at just cigarettes. I bet we hear of people trying to get chimps to smoke bongs and joints too.

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show airs in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.