The Douglas Diaries May 1, 2005

Science took another ridiculous step forward when Dr. Sherman Silber performed a reverse vasectomy on a furry Chihuahua at the St. Louis Zoo. Dr. Silber had done the operation on more than 4,000 humans before trying it on the dogs. Isn’t that opposite of how it’s supposed to go?

I’m not for animal cruelty, but if someone was going to do a surgery on me, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if it had been tried on a few animals first.

Paul Calle, a senior veterinarian with Wildlife Conservation Society says the procedure is not controversial. Calle says now zoo animals will be able to live in groups instead of having to be isolated to prevent breeding.

I’m pretty sure this is controversial. Snipping the lifeline of animals and then letting them fornicate with no results probably isn’t how nature intended it. I’m not sure exactly what the negative consequences of this will be, but rest assured, I’m sure there will be some.
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Betsy and Dale Nelson quit their jobs, sold their house, and moved to an Orlando suburb so they could be closer to Walt Disney World. When the 45 minute commute wasn’t enough, they moved again this time within 2 ½ miles of the theme park. I wonder at what point a healthy love for something turns into a disturbing love for something. Oh never mind, I think I found hat point:

George Reiger has turned his body into a tattooed animation of hundreds of Disney characters.

Reiger says the bottom line is that it makes him happy. Well it makes me nervous. Let’s hope that Prozac will make him happy too.
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A ten year old boy in Sherman Oaks, California suffered first degree burns on his leg and groin area when his Motorola cell phone exploded in his pocket. Motorola officials are not commenting.
Now, this is probably a hoax…I don’t think this is possible unless the battery leaked and I’m not sure if cell phone batteries even have chemicals that can leak. So, my guess here is one of two stories:

Number 1: The boy burnt himself in a true accident and the family came up with this story to try to milk some money out of Motorola. OR

Number 2: The family came up with this idea, then used something to burn the boy, so that they could claim Motorola had a defective phone.

Don’t you think after all the time we’ve been using cell phones, if this were actually possible, we would have heard of this happening a long time ago?
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Rosie O’Donnell is getting back into acting. Wow, I didn’t know she ever did any acting.
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So far this year in Aspen, Colorado, cocaine is responsible for more deaths than skiing accidents.

Ok, so let me get this straight: a bunch of rich, snotty, obnoxious people are going up to Aspen to party, buying drugs, overdosing on them, and then dying? Where’s the problem?

So Buffy says to Muffy, “Darling…let’s go up to Aspen for the weekend shall we? {fake laugh} we’ll take the Cheyenne, check the stocks before we leave {over-done fake laugh}.

The problem is that we have taken natural selection out of life. We have safe guards on everything. Sure the really stupid still find a way to slip through the cracks. I say we have to concentrate on the masses. We can’t protect everyone.
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While we’re talking about protection, three Purdue University industrial designers have come up with a new bicycle to help kids learn how to ride. The bike slowly transforms form tricycle to bicycle as the rider pedals faster, then returns to the original configuration as the bike slows.

Isn’t learning to ride a bike one of those rites of passage? I’m all in favor of technology, but there are just some experiences that should be part of everyone’s life, and riding a bicycle seems to be one of those.

To me, it’s not just riding a bike. The whole experience is more significant of a larger lesson: it teaches you to try something scary, fall down, and then after you fall down, to get back up and try it again. Then, once you succeed, you feel confident, strong, like you are on top of the world. It’s euphoric. Now I hate to get all deep and intellectual on you at such a late hour in the evening, but it’s because we take these types of experiences away from children that everyone ends up depressed, on Prozac, and in a dark room with four gallons of ice cream, weighing about 1,000 pounds.
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Proof that all you have to do to be a NASCAR fan is watch the news. All of you people that spend all of those hours watching races just to see an accident. Then, when you finally do, it’s shared with all of the non-faithful. Come on NASCAR fans, you know you’re in it for the crashes. You’re not in it to watch cars go round and round in circles.

All I had to do was watch the news, and not even ESPN news, just the regular news, and I’ve seen the big 25 car pile up at the Superspeedway in Alabama about 10 times.
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A catholic teacher in Broomfield High School was escorted off school grounds and given a municipal summons after he accidentally shot one of his own students with a pellet gun.

Arthur Pierce, a teacher at Holy Family High School was playing around during a break when he shot a young girl in the hip.

I don’t really need to make fun of Arthur; he made a perfect ass out of himself without my help.
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Al Gore had his pre-launch party for his new youth cable channel. What is a pre-launch? Either launch the thing or don’t.

Nevertheless, Mos Def anchored the party even after Gore said he viewed hip hop music as an undignified form of political expression.

The channel’s motto will be: “Watch my station, unless of course you chose someone else to watch, in which case I say to you, {tantrum} ‘please watch my station. It’s not fair. I want to be the chosen one. Someone call the Supreme Court. Waaahhhhh.’”
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Even QVC, the shopping network, is trying to cash in on the reality television trend. In true American Idol fashion, the network has found 800 entrepreneurs from all 50 states to show off their inventions. Each person gets 10 minutes.

I’m not sure I really want to watch this. I wonder what kind of inventions will make it on the show?

Announcer: From Baseball Country, USA, lets’ hear from Mark. Mark it’s all yours.

Mark: Why inject yourself with dirty needles? All you need is my patented steroid cream. Just rub it out then hit the gym. Give it a few months and you’ll be hitting home runs in your life.

Announcer: How about this new invention from Mr. Senator coming all the way from Capital Hill? Mr. Senator it’s all yours.

Mr. Senator: Well I’ve got this new invention. It’s going to return prosperity to all Americans and keep more of your hard earned money in your pocket. It will care for the old and strengthen the youth.

Announcer: What is it?

Mr. Senator: That’s a good question, but before I answer that, let me tell you that if you buy my product, I’ll make sure social security stays afloat.

Announcer: From Trailer Park, USA let’s hear from Jeb. Jeb, it’s all yours.

Jeb: Have you ever wanted to slap your wife from across the room, without having to get up? Well I heard about this story where a teacher dun shot his student with a pellet gun, so I recon that’ll work for my wife.

stevedouglasradio@yahoo.com

Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show airs in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.