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Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Douglas Diaries May 15, 2005

Scientists are working tirelessly to create the first facial reconstructions of King Tut based on CT scans of his mummy. That’s mummy not mommy.

I have an idea: let’s work on reconstructing the faces of people who are alive instead of those that have been dead for nearly 3,300 years.

By the way, if you get a chance to look at this reconstruction of King Tut, you will come to one of two conclusions:

Number 1: King Tut was gay.

Number 2: King Tut was the long lost identical twin of Boy George…and is gay.

You decide. I posted the picture of what King Tut is supposed to have looked like below.

You Decide ...

King Boy George or King Tut?

Off to St. Louis now where irony has reared its curious head.

A pit bull owner was mauled to death by his two pet pit bulls inside his home this week. Lorinze Reddings was 42 years old.

Still however, pit bull lovers continue to stick up for these dogs. Theresa Williams director of humane services for St. Charles County Animal Control says that pit bulls probably don’t deserve their reputation as vicious dogs.

I can’t remember a week where I didn’t read something about someone being attacked and or killed by a pit bull. When was the last story you heard about a pit bull rescuing someone trapped under an avalanche? It might not be so bad if it was just the owners that got bit. Then, people who believed in these dogs could take the chance if they wanted to, and then suffer the consequences.
Twins Mary Mauer and Melanie Glavich grew up doing everything together. The twin girls now can continue that tradition, as they both gave birth to healthy young baby boys on the same day. In fact, the births were only 25 minutes apart.

The only thing I’m confused about is how both of the women got pregnant at the same time?!
Serial Killer Michael Ross, 45, was put to death by lethal injection this week despite several last minute efforts to stay his execution. Ross was responsible for the deaths of 8 young girls. This was New England’s first execution in 45 years.

Get off your asses up there in New England. What’s the problem? Look at Texas; they’re putting people down faster than rabid squirrels on a farm. I’m not sure, but I believe Texas is one short pound of the gavel away from bringing caning back. It shouldn’t take 45 years to put to death a serial killer.
Proof positive that I am correct in my gay marriage stance, even a Nebraska judge has agreed by striking down the state’s ban on gay marriage saying the measure interferes not only with the rights of gay couples but also with those of foster parents, adopted children and people in a host of other living arrangements.

Look out ladies and gentlemen…when states like Kansas, Nebraska, and Texas start jumping on board the gay rights train, it’s a-comin’!
Those of you men who fear commitment, be thankful, it could be worse:

Hundreds of children in India, some as young as seven years old, were married this week in their centuries-old custom of arranged marriages.

What would that be like?

Child: “Mom. Girls are gross!”

Mom: “No they are not Apu, now go have sex with your new wife…and then go take a bath.”

Child: “But Mom I don’t want to take a bath.”
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates says Apple Computers shouldn’t get too comfortable with being atop the portable music world. Gates says that at one point Apple was extremely strong with its computer line as well until Gates took over.

Gates could be heard after the press conference entering the limo with the following quote:

{Sinister voice} “Yes…my plan is almost complete. Damn Apple and that IPod…I will crush them and rule the world.”
A sign featuring a giant 10 foot wiener in Rock Hill, South Carolina has been stolen. It was the weiner that was stolen, not the whole sign by the way.
In a related story, Paris Hilton will be starring in a new Carl’s Jr commercial. The slutty actress, heiress, jewelry designer, and entrepreneur will be soaping down a Bentley in what I’m sure will be a one piece swim suit while she eats a burger.

Paris reportedly denied trying to hurt the hot dog business by stealing a ten foot weiner, but when questioned did hesitate and shutter with joy while contemplating the thought of a ten foot weiner.
Some Cell phone users will soon be able to communicate with man’s best friend. South Korean, KTF Corp says cell phone operators will begin offering a service that will enable dog owners to know what their pets are feeling. Here’s how it works:

Cell phone owners in South Korea will first connect to the internet on their cell phone, then register information about their pet such as the breed and age. The service will at this point actually record the dog’s bark. After being translated, the owner of the cell phone will receive text messages telling them how their pet is feeling such as, “I am happy” or “I am frustrated” or “Please don’t eat me.”

This sounds about as technologically advanced as that eight ball you shake and then ask silly questions like, “Will I ever be rich?” Then that little tile floats to the top and says, “You are a creative person!”
Movie Star Chris Tucker, you may remember him from such classics as Rush Hour I and Rush Hour II, is in some hot water this week. The actor entered guilty pleas in Warren Country Probate Court in Georgia after leading police down a stretch of highway at speeds of over 100 miles per hour in his Bentley.

Tucker was fined $6,999 even after he told the judge that he was on his way to church. I thought it would have been better to tell the judge he was on his way to Carl’s Jr to have his Bentley soaped off.
Is soda the culprit in America’s child obesity epidemic? Well I’m sure it doesn’t help, but I’m sure the McDonalds meals and pounds of treats and candy don’t slim our kids down. What happened to the day when you told your kid not to whine and the only promise you gave them was that they would live?

I hate when parents bribe their children with treats for things the kids should do for free. You know the old, “if you do your homework, I’ll give you some chocolate cake.” How about, “Do your homework or you can go down to the local McDonalds, get me a cheeseburger and yourself an application.”
A fan at the Oakland Coliseum will face charges after throwing a cup of beer at Yankees slugger Jason Giambi. Eric Anduri of Lafayette, California spent Saturday in jail after being charged with battery, public intoxication and throwing objects on the field.

What an idiot.
Speaking of idiots…Peter Robert Phillips Jr wasn’t happy with his name. He wanted to express his faith, respect, and love for his Savior. Old Robert went out and changed his name to Jesus Christ. Robert hasn’t been able to obtain an official name change in Washington, but has a U.S passport, social security card, and Washington driver’s license with the name Jesus Christ.

I think we all should vote, and then we can change his name to Euray Jackass.


Steve Douglas can be heard on AM 850 KOA Radio in Denver, Colorado from 10pm to midnight Pacific Time. The show airs in 38 states, Mexico, and Canada, or live on the web at 850koa.com.